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| Disorder in the American Courts - Comedy |
Sometime or the other, each one of us would have been exposed or familiar with the Judicial systems, particularly the Courts. This could have been through newspapers, mobile news alerts, watching TV shows, Hollywood movies, civil disputes or perhaps some kind of violation of law (as simple as a traffic offense or accident). Most of the times though, we see Courts and Judiciary as formidable and something that we should stay from by avoiding any kind of issues that could expose us to the Judicial system. That said, it is entertaining to watch TV shows or films on them since it captivates our minds. Of course, examination and cross-examination of witnesses is often quite interesting though the content may or may not be of good taste.
That said, we rarely consider the comical aspects of Judicial systems across the world. If you stop to think about it, you can be pleasantly surprised, though in all honesty, it may be anything but comedy, for the individuals concerned. It does not however mean that we can not smile when we hear something that tickles our sense of humour. One of the most talked about Courts are the American Courts, as you might have guessed. They have stayed in the limelight for a long time and there is no doubt that they will continue to be in the spotlight for even longer. Obviously, TV shows and Hollywood Movies have a lot to do with it. Now imagine, if all those comical examinations in Court were recorded word by word so that we could go through them and have a good laugh on the lighter side... Well, that is what actually happened!
The incidences in the American Courts are typically recorded by Court Reporters and those that were funny have been made in to a book, published by Iwahu Publishing as "Disorder in the American Courts", authored by Marcelle Boren and presented by CourtComics.com. The book captures several comical moments during examinations of witnesses that is sure to make us burst out laughing! These are actual quotes, word for word, from real court proceedings! Unbelievable as it may seem, these are things people actually said in court, word for word, under oath in legal court proceedings and are forever immortalized in the public record. They have been taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Definitely, not easy!
Take a look at some excerpts of those conversations and you will understand where we are coming from.
ATTORNEY : How far from the accident were you when it happened?
WITNESS : 36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches.
ATTORNEY : Nonsense! How can you be so precise?
WITNESS : Well, I knew some bloody fool would ask me; so I measured it.
ATTORNEY : What is your date of birth?
WITNESS : July Fifteenth.
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.
ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci Sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis... Does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Doris?".
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honour. I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
WITNESS : No. I just lie there.
ATTORNEY : Could you see him from where you were standing?
WITNESS : I could see his head.
ATTORNEY : And where was his head?
WITNESS : Just above his shoulders.
ATTORNEY : Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
WITNESS : The victim lived.
ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS : Take a guess.
ATTORNEY : Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the Bar exam?
ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : He is twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY : How old is your son - the one living with you.
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY : And where was the location of the accident?
WITNESS : Approximately milepost 499.
ATTORNEY : And where is milepost 499?
WITNESS : Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
WITNESS : We both do.
ATTORNEY : Voodoo?
WITNESS : We do.
ATTORNEY : You do?
WITNESS : Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY : Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
WITNESS : Yes, sir.
ATTORNEY : What did she say?
WITNESS : What disco am I at?
ATTORNEY : I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
WITNESS : That's me.
ATTORNEY : Were you present when that picture was taken?
WITNESS : Are you serious.
ATTORNEY : Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
ATTORNEY : Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
WITNESS : I'll be three months on November 8.
ATTORNEY : Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : What were you doing at that time?
ATTORNEY : How many times have you committed suicide?
WITNESS : Four times.
ATTORNEY : Have you lived in this town all your life?
WITNESS : Not yet.
ATTORNEY : Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
WITNESS : I refuse to answer that question.
ATTORNEY : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
WITNESS : I refuse to answer that question.
ATTORNEY : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
WITNESS : No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
ATTORNEY : Were you acquainted with the deceased?
WITNESS : Yes sir.
ATTORNEY : Before or after he died?
ATTORNEY : And you check your radar unit frequently?
WITNESS : Officer: "Yes, I do."
ATTORNEY : And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?
WITNESS : Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.
ATTORNEY : Lawyer: "What happened then?
WITNESS : He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
ATTORNEY : Did he kill you?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man.
WITNESS : Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
ATTORNEY : You say the stairs went down to the basement?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And these stairs, did they go up also?
ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male, or a female?
WITNESS : Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY : All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
WITNESS : If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
WITNESS : It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
ATTORNEY : You were not shot in the fracas?
WITNESS : No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
ATTORNEY : What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS : There were traces of semen.
ATTORNEY : Male semen?
WITNESS : That's the only kind I know of.
ATTORNEY : So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS : I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
ATTORNEY : It was covered?
WITNESS : Yes. Bandaged.
ATTORNEY : Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS : I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
ATTORNEY : Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS : "I swear by Almighty God."
ATTORNEY : "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS : That's right.
ATTORNEY : Repeat it.
WITNESS : "Repeat it".
ATTORNEY : No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS : What you said when?
ATTORNEY : "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS : "That the evidence that I give."
ATTORNEY : "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS : It will, and nothing but the truth!
ATTORNEY : Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS : I'm not a scholar, you know.
ATTORNEY : We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS : "Shall be the truth and."
ATTORNEY : Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS : Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
ATTORNEY : No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : Well? Do so.
WITNESS : You're confusing me.
ATTORNEY : Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS : Okay. I understand.
ATTORNEY : Then say it.
WITNESS : What?
ATTORNEY : "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS : But I do! That's just it.
ATTORNEY : You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS : I WILL say nothing but the truth!
ATTORNEY : Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS : What? You mean, like, now?
ATTORNEY : Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS : "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
ATTORNEY : Thank you.
WITNESS : I'm just not a scholar.
ATTORNEY : You were there until the time you left, is that true?
ATTORNEY : So you were gone until you returned?
ATTORNEY : You don't know what it was and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
ATTORNEY : How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
The above excerpts demonstrate that examination and cross-examination of witnesses in Courts is a fine art. If not done well with proper preparation, understanding and presence of mind, they can easily turn out to be foolish, comical or outright ugly. Anyway, sit back and enjoy a collection of verbatim exchanges from the halls of justice, where defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, collide to produce memorably insane comedy. Needless to say, this book is available both in paperback and Kindle version. It is definitely worth a read!
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